just like a music video

in an attempt to revive my ideal side I would try to make things up:

Part 1: Mornings

A few mornings I wake up thinking about lots of things. While tossing and turning in my bed, pretending to sleep when I know I'm widely awake I wonder how my high school reunion would turn out, if we'll ever have one. I'm wondering how I'll approach someone or actually act normal in front of someone I've been dying to see but unfortunately is not included in my "its a small world" group. I wonder If I'll be able to drive my dream car -- a red and white or a solid black vintage mini cooper -- and would carnappers get off my back if I do. I however will stop when I realize I screwed up again big time. Darn it, I was careless enough to be myself again without thinking about other people.

I would like to believe that I'm a good person but like any normal (I think) individual, I screw things up without knowing it. Well in some cases I know, but in most cases I was just being me, honest. Sometimes I wish I could lie to not hurt anyone anymore or maybe even better, I wish I could be sensitive enough at times when it is badly needed rather than on events it is really unnecessary.

I've dreamt of getting a shrink one day, when I'm independent enough to make that act. My family thinks its a big joke but I think it would help me a lot. I just feel like a professional can untagle the messed up wires I have in me. I cannot do it alone, like how I cannot really impose spirituality and discipline in some cases.

As i sit in front of this computer, typing away, and making a good excuse and maneuver to fix things up, I wonder if other people are thinking the same or I'm just weird this way.

and then I eat.